The struggle is real

It’s hard to believe it’s been six months since my last surgery. I don’t know six months ago I was so full of hope that after the pain of recovery all my issues would go away and I would miraculously be fine and back to my old self. Instead today I woke up after a night of tossing and turning and running to the bathroom, tired, cranky and a little sad (ok really sad).

Progress has been slow and hard. I still try to stay positive but it just seems like my colon wants to stay inflamed. It’s the normal state of being really…pain, discomfort, exhausted. I’ve been trying to get back to a normal life going to events and spending time with family and friends, but it’s difficult. Every attempt at normalcy just lands me even worse off then I was feeling before.

Is it bad that I rather suffer through excruciating pain because the thought of going back to the emergency room actually gives me PTSD?

The last month has been full of ups and downs, changes in my life, and my health just isn’t cooperating. I’m tired of being tired. It’s been difficult because lately I can’t even talk about the pain because it just makes me feel so hopeless.

Hopefully things are bit better and the next post is a lot more upbeat. The struggle is real a lot realer than I even admit to myself at times. I really need a breakthrough.


THIS is what Chronic Illness looks like.

This is what Chronic Illness looks like. I’m reblogging this post because it is often difficult to be so sick and “not look sick.”   I have my good days and bad days,it can be a struggle but I try to remain as positive as I can. If I say I’m tired or can’t make it out to something it’s not because I don’t want to, it’s because I physically can’t. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, I am grateful for all of the people in my life and the opportunities that I have been fortunate enough to have, but sometimes we all need a bit of understanding.

I’m enjoying the nice weather in DC at the National Police Memorial.



THIS is what chronic illness looks like.

Indisposed and Undiagnosed

You all obviously know about the irritating assumption that we are not sick, because we don’t LOOK sick.

People associate illness with common physical effects like pale skin, an agonised facial expression, weight loss, tubes coming out of our noses, a tumor or wound that is VISIBLE.

What does Chronic Illness look like?
What do our symptoms look like?

N O T H I N G.
They are I N V I S I B L E.
They cannot be seen, but are very much REAL.

So, lets set the story straight once and for all.
THIS is the face of Chronic Illness:

This is what Chronic Illness looks like. Nauseous – Dizzy – Nerve Pain – Neck Pain – Stomach cramps.

I really encourage you to take a similar photo of yourself, and post it with the title “THIS is what Chronic Illness looks like“.

Tag me in it – reblog…

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Hangin’ Tough

This is the happiest I’ve been in the last ten months of my life. Little background I was fresh off of surgery and home for a day when I bought the tickets to THE MAIN EVENT. Sadly my cousin Martine is a resident in NYC and she couldn’t make it.  My cousins and I have loved NKOTB since we were little girls. I remember calling my dad in 2008 when these Boston girls saw them for the first time and said it was the happiest day of our lives.


My cousins and I living the dream at TD Bank Garden in 2008! Dreams come true!

I was asked several times today if I was excited about the concert tonight and I was like I’m busy at work. Anyone that knows me knows that I get excited about watching paint dry but being sick has made me a lot less of myself even if I didn’t realize it. Seriously the last ten months of being sick, in and out of hospitals, plus surgeries has been horrible. I never admit just how hard it has been, until… tonight.


My cousin Sarina and I at NKOTB in DC

The Main Event brought me back to simpler times, when my biggest concern was if I would marry Joey, Donnie, or Jordan. Life has been a lot harder the last few years, but I look back fondly on when my cousins and I sat and waited for Joey at Tower Records at the South Shore Plaza for him to sign our CD, or when we walked past Jordan’s house a billion times, or when I grabbed Mark’s butt because I’m bold. Hell a few weeks ago post surgery at my friend Anthony’s wedding The Right Stuff Came on and I split my surgical incision open doing the “New Kids Dance.” For a few hours, I forgot I  was sick and living in doctors offices, constantly fatigued.


All I know is, if only for one night, I’m hanging tough!